So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
