i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
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