my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
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