i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
