um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
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