no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
