I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
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