Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
