Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
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