imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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