I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
