I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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