your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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