I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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