It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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