I accidentally burped into my bong.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Randomize
