I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
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