you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
