I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
