I like my sex mixed with concussions.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
