I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
