I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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