I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Randomize
