you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Randomize
