So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
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