and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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