mondays should just be called national damage control day
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I have post one night stand depression
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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