3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Randomize
