Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
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