I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Randomize
