meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
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