she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
