Michael Bay diarrhea
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
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