I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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