Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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