All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Randomize