I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
