Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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