I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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