he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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