Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I will pee on everything he values.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Randomize
