just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
