and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Hippo gnu deer
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Randomize
