I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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