Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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