if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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