Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
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