Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Randomize
