You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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