mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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