so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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