How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
