At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
We're too hungover to prance.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Randomize
