Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
