Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
