this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
