Dude my mom stole all your condoms
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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