You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
did i walk over a car last night?
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
