Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
